Wednesday, March 20, 2013

10 Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Small Children Say

I’ve been a mom for a little over four and a half years now. I’ve had my share of joys, sorrows, and poopy diapers (some days it feels like more than my share in the latter). I’ve been through illnesses, sleepless nights, and more shouts of “You’re making Mom psychotic! You’re making Mom psychotic!” than I’d like to admit. I’m not saying it makes me an expert. I’m just saying you should listen to every word I say in case I slip in some golden nugget of magical mom advice you will never survive without.

So almost five years into the job, there are days I feel like I’ve got it down. I am, after all, a casual parenting master. I’ve figured out the Zen of Motherhood – 10 dirty diapers balanced by 5 minutes of giggling and tickling, 5 hours of sleep balanced by 10 minutes of staring at the ceiling during naptime – Zen. It’s great. But then there are those days… Those days when my kid pees in the Walmart checkout line, those days when even having sister wives wouldn’t be enough, those days when words come out of my child’s mouth, and I have to deal with the consequences.

10 Things You Don’t Want to Hear Your Small Children Say

1. Mommy, I need to go potty. It’s always in a store with no public restroom, one where you can’t find the restroom, or one where you have to ask for a stupid key to open the restroom. By the time you can get to the potty, you’re risking hearing the next line:

2. Mommy, I peed. I bet you wish you’d packed that extra pair of pants now, don’t you?

3. Mom, (insert child’s name) is bleeding really a lot! But kids exaggerate, right? Doesn’t matter. Whether there is actually a lot of blood or not, someone is bound to be screaming, there will be no Band-Aids in the house, and you will threaten to take them to get stitches just to make them stop crying.

4. Mommy, it was an accident! It wasn’t.                    

5. Mommy, I don’t feel good. Once this has been said, it is almost always too late. You might as well jump out of the way, because it’s likely to be only a matter of seconds before your child pukes. And it’s likely to be projectile, and you’re likely to be somewhere with carpet.

6. Don’t be mad… Has anything good ever followed this line? NO.

7. Mommy, (insert child’s name) broke your (insert valuable object).

8. HOLY S***! Oh yeah. Right in front of Grandma.

9. Mommy! (Insert child’s name) is playing in the toilet! There’s definitely pee in it. Probably more. And you may or may not have to fish valuables out.

10. Daddy said I could! Since when is the sperm donor the boss? I grew your little body inside of mine and pushed it out when you were fully developed and not a moment sooner.

I am the boss.

If you hear these things from your kids a lot, keep your chin up. It could be worse. In fact, from what I’m told, I’ll be re-writing this list when my kids are teenagers, but the consequences will be way worse. So I’m just going to sit back and enjoy this while it lasts! And if you want my expert advice  humble opinion, you should too.

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