Saturday, November 30, 2013

Status Update: I Heart Status Updates

Let me tell you about something I love.

Well, first let me say that I will neither shame nor approve of the following varieties of Facebook posts. In fact, I have been known to use many of these myself, on more than one occasion. I often use them simply to let the world know that I am, actually, a human being, and I do, surprisingly, have a life that everyone should know about.

*NOTE: Any and all hints 
of snarkasm are 
completely unintentional.

So why am I sharing my personal commentary on the wonderful world of Facebook updates? Only so we may all more fully realize the benefits of carefully considering our words before filling in that little box at the top of the page. The tiny portion of the web where our riveting thoughts can provoke enough likes, comments, and shares to keep us inexplicably addicted to Facebook. For in that tempting, tantalizing space with a surprisingly large capacity for typed characters we experience…

The status update.


Status updates common to the general public are as follows:

1. Watching (insert movie title)! Similar posts include – Partying at (insert place)! Dinner at (insert place)! Playing at (insert place)! Spending time with (insert people)!

That’s so great. Like, really great. I’m just here. At home. Alone with my Ramen noodles and local television channels.


2. Little (enter name of child) weighs (enter weight) and is (enter inches) long! Growing up so fast! Also – Look what (child) can do! Getting so big!

You had a kid? I had completely forgotten since yesterday’s status update.


3. Ugh. So sick. Or Ugh, the kids are sick.

Now that I know your health status, I feel much more connected to you.


4. Life is so awful right now I can’t believe this and that and the other. I am miserable.

What would you like me to say right now?


5. In contradiction to the last one – Life is so great! I can’t believe this and that and the other. I’m so happy!

You are so positive. I’m so glad you had the best life ever at the moment you updated your status.


6. Political rant.

Whether I agree or disagree, I didn’t have the energy to read past the “See more” button. Sorry.

7. Rant about something you haven’t spent a lot of time studying.

Wow. I did not know that. Just a second while I check your facts and type a carefully calculated response totally disproving your theory.

Duck face.


8. I worked out today, and this is what I did. Tomorrow, you may hear about the other amazing things my body can do.

You are truly an inspiration. I can’t wait to be inspired again tomorrow.


9. Look at my children. They are obviously very cute and I love them a lot.

Congratulations on your awesome genes!


10. Look at what I made. (Insert photo of food, craft, d├ęcor, etc.)

I’m so glad you have talents.


11. Look at the wonderful things I do with my children. (Insert photo of playing at the park, homeschooling, crafting, etc.)

You definitely deserve the “Mom-of-the-Year” award.


12. Happy Whatever (insert holiday)!

Everybody’s doing it. Why shouldn’t you? Maybe I will too. Nothing better to do on a holiday, right?


13. Got to see my best friend so-and-so today! (Often with photo)

Your other best friends totally just saw that.


14. I love this quote: (insert random quote shared by thousands).

Whether or not this quote actually means anything is debatable, but if that many other people like it, it must be good and I should definitely read it.

The Sexy Selfie


15. A shared post: (Insert random company) is giving away 100 (insert random expensive electronic device) they can’t sell! Like, share, and comment to be entered to win!

Let me get this straight…


16. Another shared post: So-and-so is a brave little soldier, fighting such-and-such a disease. Can we get 1 million likes for so-and-so (Often accompanied by a somewhat frightening picture of a hospitalized child)?

Okay, I love hospitalized children as much as the next guy, but what in the world is liking this and sending it rambling about the internet going to do? Link me to a donation site or something, people.


17. So-and-so is in the hospital. Prayers!

What?! What happened?! Oh, and who is so-and-so?


18. So-and-so is still in the hospital… Doctors are so stupid!

I know, right? Doctors never know anything, especially not doctor things.


19. Ate (random food) today! So good!

I’m so happy for your tummy right now.


20. Here we are on our honeymoon!

Thanks for taking time to let me know. How’s it going? What have you been doing? Tell me everything!


21. Kitty (Insert random photo of cat)!

And… hover mouse pointer, hover mouse pointer, uncheck “Show in news feed.” Sorry friend.


22. Commonly seen on “Garage sale” groups: Can’t afford to pay the doctor bills/give my child a good Christmas/buy groceries, selling this (insert random item).

Your welfare is totally my concern now. I may actually decide I need your random item.


Miley Cyrus, anyone?



Ah Facebook, you add such mystery and interest to life. Bless you and your status update box. You continue to be an addiction I just can’t seem to break.