Sunday, December 2, 2012

Emergency Preparedness: 10 Things You Need to Survive the Imminent Zombie Apocalypse

I am a member of a church that places a lot of emphasis on a little something called “Emergency Preparedness.” I am encouraged by my church leaders to collect non-perishable supplies, stock up on space blankets and flashlight batteries, and have a plan for every emergency under the sun. Mormons don’t mess around, people.

Personally, I’m glad I’ve grown up with the motivation to be prepared. Preparedness is important. Preparedness keeps you safe. It keeps you alive when disaster strikes. It keeps you from showing up on the news after said disaster screaming, “Where’s Fema?! Where’s the Red Cross?!” It keeps you from being stuck with nothing but a foam cup of dry noodles when the Mayan Calendar ends.
Preparedness is serious stuff.

We’re all about preparedness at my house. And not just because our religion encourages it. I am personally motivated to stockpile 25 lb. buckets of dehydrated milk and egg products when a hurricane strikes on the other side of the country. I’m motivated to purchase large amounts of Betty Crocker cake mixes and Fruit Roll Ups when my local grocery store has a 4 for $5 sale. My husband is motivated to stuff a cabinet full of weapons and ammunition when a Democratic president is re-elected.

But nothing has ever motivated me more than watching this TV show:

Image courtesy AMC TV

If you haven’t heard of it yet, you probably will. I’m pretty sure it’s sweeping the nation (and if it’s not, it should be). The first two seasons are on Netflix as we speak. The third season is currently underway, and as the title suggests, it’s all about a seriously disturbing zombie takeover of our precious planet earth.

Honestly, although I’m totally into end-of-the-world, apocalyptic-type stuff, this is not a show I would normally dive into. It’s pretty darn gory, for one, and there’s enough cussing in it to make a dairy farmer squirm. Ok… maybe not.

But I was curious. Oh so curious. And I paid the price for my curiosity.




That’s right – for two days, huddled in front of our 37” screen with the blinds closed and the kids watching mindless hours of Disney in their bedroom, the hubunk and I inhaled all 19 episodes of seasons 1 and 2. When we finally emerged again into the light of day, I knew our lives would never be the same again.

I have never been more motivated to prepare.

And I have therefore created this handy list of items you, too, will need when the world ends and a horrific zombie infection seizes all mankind. Call it a “Zombie Apocalypse To-Do List,” if you will. You’re welcome.


  1. Food, water, clothing, shelter, fuel. All your basics. Knowing how to grow and/or kill food yourself will also come in handy.
  2. Tools, nails, screws, and boards to block all possible entrances to your stronghold. If you rely on a vehicle as your stronghold, you’d better be sure you’ve got enough gas in the ole tank to stay mobile.
  3. LOTS AND LOTS OF GUNS. And please don’t forget the ammo.
  4. To make friends with a doctor/surgeon and make sure this person will be a part of your survival group. Veterinarians may be substituted for doctors if needed.
  5. Besides guns, you need weapons of silence (so as not to attract unwanted zombie attention). Swords, knives, hatchets, baseball bats… all valuable. Pointy sticks, screwdrivers, and other tools will also become useful in a bind.
  6. To make yourself too valuable to leave behind as zombie bait. Are you a good watchman? A superb zombie-killer? Do you have a wide base of survival knowledge? Cultivate your skills.
  7. The ability to break into abandoned buildings quickly and quietly to obtain supplies. Locksmiths and robbers survive well because of this.
  8. To practice running, climbing, swimming, and otherwise keeping yourself fit. The fat kid always gets eaten first.
  9. To be good at keeping your head in life-threatening situations. Quick-thinking. Anything you do (or do not) under severe stress (zombies chasing you through the woods, zombies trapping you in cars, zombies swarming your home) can make or break.
  10. Hope for the recovery and future of the living. If you don’t have that, you’re just one bad zombie encounter away from driving yourself off a cliff.

Oh, and one more thing you’re really going to need in the Zombie Apocalypse – a strong stomach. Zombie blood/guts/bodily shrapnel get all over the place, ya’ll. No joke.