Friday, June 21, 2013

5 Disgusting Parenting Parallels

After pushing a third human out of my body last February, I vowed I'd wait a considerable amount of time before I started up on #4. So, instead of developing my own miniature this year, I've enjoyed watching my friends and family develop their own. Many of you are having your first, and it's exciting! There's so much to look forward to. You've spent so much time preparing and reading and pinning on Pinterest in the name of your child that the 9-month wait seems far too long. 

And I hate to put a damper on things. 

But I wanted to spread the word on some horrifying, rarely told truths... I want to warn you, before your perfect parenting imaginings crush your soul at 2 o'clock in the AM on a Monday while your husband sleeps peacefully and you stand freezing in your underwear trying to comfort, feed, rock, and change the baby at the same time.

I've thought a lot about what parenting is really like since becoming one. You see, before, I was convinced there would be lots of board games, reading books, snuggling, kisses, and running through sprinklers with popsicle mustaches on every smiling face. Admittedly, we do these things. And we enjoy those five seconds. But I find myself spending a lot more time feeling a little... grossed out. So, in honor of all my wonderful friends and family members who have had, or will be having, new little ones this year -- prepare yourselves for the real deal by reading these disturbing, disgusting, despicable parallels to the job you have just signed up for.

5 Disgusting Parenting Parallels

Standing at the edge of manure pile and being told to go digging if you want the million dollars Bill Gates left in there for you. You don’t know if it’s true, but you’re desperate. You have to believe that there is a reward to all of the work you’re doing. You have to be sure it is in there somewhere. But when you’re knee deep in crap, your eyes are burning from the stench, and you haven’t found much more than a quarter, it can seem hopeless. Keep digging.

Watching someone eat their boogers. You don’t think they should and you’re positive it doesn’t taste good, but they’re going to do it anyway. Maybe you’ve tried it yourself and learned the hard way. You want to scream “NO! DON’T!” But if they don’t do it when you’re looking, they’re going to do it when you’re not. It’s painful, and you might gag a little. Keep watching.

Finding someone else’s hair in your burger after you’ve eaten half of it. You were enjoying every bite. You were savoring every flavor. The melty cheese and the crisp lettuce complimenting that perfectly grilled slab of meat. And then, there it is – a piece of someone else’s (likely unkempt) body. You stop, mortified, disappointed, upset. And you have a choice to make. This isn’t just some dollar burger at McDonald’s, though. This is the absolute, one and only, prime cut of a non-GMO, organically raised, free-ranging, super beef cow, rocked to sleep at night to the sounds of Andrea Bocelli and Joan Sutherland. We’re talking the primest of the prime. Thousand dollar price tag. Toss that hair aside and keep eating.

Giving a bum a sponge bath. No matter what you do, this poor fella doesn’t seem to be getting any cleaner. So you try scrubbing harder. In circles. Left to right. Right to left. Up and down. Down and up. More water. Less water. Stronger soap. Finally, a miniscule spot on his left ankle seems a little less grimy. Keep scrubbing.

Cleaning public toilets with your tongue. It’s gonna make you sick. It’s gonna make you crazy. It’s gonna make you furious when you just put the finishing touches on one toilet and someone comes along and defiles it. Just when you think the job is done, you have to start all over again. Keep cleaning.

Parenting. It will be everything and nothing like what you thought it would be. It is up and down, a rollercoaster ride you’ll stay on because you’re afraid of what will happen if you get off. You will discover the true definitions of insane, crazy, and clinically off-the-wall, but in the same dictionary you will find love, patience, and selflessness. You will scream and cry and wonder what in the H.E. double-hockey-sticks you’re doing. You will kiss and hug and laugh harder than you’ve ever laughed before. You will be amazed at the smallest, most insignificant things. You will suddenly realize why all your annoying Facebook friends post about their kids all day long. This little person is a piece of you. You did that! And you cannot imagine the crazy amount of love there will be in that.