Sunday, April 28, 2013

20 Ways to Start a Fight with Your Man

I’ve said it before: the hubunk and I are just plain different. And in the time since acknowledging that fact, I’ve noticed something:

There are a lot of ways to start a fight with a man.

And so I put together this comprehensive list for those of you who may not have learned these things yet. Please, ladies, use these words to your advantage.

20 Ways to Start a Fight with Your Man

  1. Expect him to know and follow all of your “house rules,” whether you’ve told him the rules or not. Like not hacking mucus into the sink without washing it down. Like hanging the towel back on the rack the way I had it so it will actually get dry. Like picking up your own dang clothes off the floor. THE RULES. I mean, who doesn’t just know The Rules? Men, apparently.
  2. Hang around and “supervise” whenever he gets a hankering for doing some chores. Make sure he does it the “right (your)” way.
  3. Nag/whine/complain about how you do all the housework, and then criticize the way he works when he finally does some.
  4. Unintentionally (or intentionally) insult his favorite people, whether they are family, friends, acquaintances, or celebrities.
  5. Assume he is ogling the skinny chick in the Daisy Dukes and hassle him until he admits it. Of course he is. You are. Everyone is looking at her. That’s her point. And give him the silent treatment for an hour. That’ll teach him.
  6. Assume he remembers what you told him a week ago.
  7. Neglect to lay out your children’s clothing and show him where you put it, but still expect him to meet you in public with all of them dressed appropriately with hair combed and faces washed.
  8. Make jokes about gifts he gives you, even if it’s a new gun that he really thought you needed.
  9. Be a martyr. This is my signature move Me: “Can you go turn off the bathroom light?” Him (joking, as usual): “No.” Me: “Fine, I’ll do it.”And proceed to do it in an irritated manner, even though­ you know he would have gotten around to it eventually.
  1. Act as though your own family is better than his in any way.
  2. Expect him to listen to the words coming out of your mouth while he is watching epic fail montages on YouTube, when he is absorbed in his hobbies, or when a Victoria’s Secret commercial comes on TV. Or that T-Mobile ad with the (formerly) cutesy gal in skin-tight black leather, riding a bullet bike.
  3. Explore a multitude of innovative organizing, parenting, dieting, crafting, homemaking ideas and expect him to be just as excited about “starting totally fresh” as you are.
  4. Be a little too much like your mother.
  5. Don’t be enough like his mother.
  6. Summarize, interpret, or otherwise bend his words and repeat them to another person while he is within earshot.
  7. Try to convince him to do what your father thinks you should do
  8. Complain to others about how many problems your vehicles may have. This is particularly painful for him if he already knows how to fix it but just hasn’t had time yet. Plus, how much do you really know about cars?
  9. Allow your children to play in his workspace while he is away and feign ignorance when his belongings disappear.
  10. Twist everything he says into a personal insult. Him: “You look nice today.” Me: “What, I don’t look nice all the other days?”
  11. Put semi-complicated furniture together and put little faith in his man-skills. This was one of my first mistakes as a newlywed. Me: “Did you read the instructions? Where are the instructions? Are you sure you don’t need the instructions? I just think you need to look at the instructions.” BIG ARGUMENT FOLLOWED. A week later, his dad came over and pointed out the fact that we put the table legs on backwards. Guess who told him to do that? Yeah. So much for instructions.

So what are your favorite ways to start a fight? Please share, that the rest of us may glean knowledge from your mistakes.

1 comment:

  1. Talk to him about how much he is or is not eating. Bring up his weight often and how hard you work to provide good meals for him.